A MUM BUSINESS

I’m not totally sure when exactly my confidence took such a hit.  Don’t get me wrong I was never a total extrovert or an overly shy person, probably safe to say I was somewhere in the middle.  I might not have been the loudest person in the room, but certainly not the quietest and what I did pride myself on was having a good amount of inner confidence in my own ability.  But somewhere along the way I feel like I’ve lost this and I am desperately trying to get it back.

Although I may not be able to pin point exactly when my confidence took a hit, it was definitely around the time I had my children.  What is most interesting is my confidence as a mother was pretty high.  While a lot of my friends were questioning their own mothering skills, I’ll be honest I was feeling pretty good in that area.  Don’t get me wrong, I was no Mary Poppins and was without a doubt making things up as I went along, but I felt good about it.  I was keeping the kids alive on a daily basis – I was superwoman!!!!  It was the other stuff I started having anxiety about, it sounds a bit stupid (even as I type it) but what I was struggling with, in fact what I’m still struggling with is actually just being me!

The Katie pre-children was ultra-ambitious, someone who was going to take on the world, be the expert in any room and stuff anyone who told her otherwise.  The post-children Katie felt lost, alone and to be honest completely useless.  I felt like I just couldn’t get a grip on who I was anymore.  I knew I was a mum and without blowing my own trumpet a pretty good one, but did that mean I couldn’t be Katie too??  And even if it did, I had no clue who Katie even was anymore!

Before having the children, I ran a couple of small businesses with my partner, which I loved.  You could say in a lot of ways they were my first born.  A lot of people I think assumed that I wouldn’t want to go back to work after having our first, especially as in so many ways I was loving being a mum.  But I knew I wanted to go back and after about 6 months of being home I realised I needed to go back.  I had started to feel like I needed to do something that made me feel like me again so when Max was 10 months old he started at a childminder and I started going back into the office 2 days a week, soon increasing to 3 days.  The problem was – everything was different!

No that’s not strictly true, I was different!

But the issue was I wouldn’t admit it, not to myself and certainly not to anyone else!  I was a power working mother and would not admit weakness.  I struggled on for a couple of years, and became pretty good at keeping things together and acting content and then out of the blue found out we were expecting baby number two.  I say out of the blue because we were in no way trying for another baby, wanted another one day but hadn’t decided when that day would be.  But now knowing my daughter she was always going to come along when she jolly well wanted to and has done exactly as she wants ever since.

Once again, I relished motherhood, but once again I knew I wanted to go back to the business and so after 11 months my daughter started nursery and I went back into the office.  But the fog was still there.  I just wasn’t the old me, Ifelt like I was being judged for my mind being elsewhere, for not being as quick as I was or as organised as I was, for questioning my own judgement on everything – how was a team supposed to believe in my ability when I didn’t believe in myself!?!  What didn’t help was my partner just thought I’d lost my grip on the business.  Which I guess in some ways was true but it was out of my control.  I was so organised when it came to the children, especially once our eldest started school.  I mean you have to be, there is so much to keep up with once they are at school, they practically need their own PA!  But I had that down, it was my own stuff I just couldn’t get a proper grasp of.

It’s been in the last year that things came to a head, I had to admit I wasn’t happy and was feeling pretty low.  Something I struggled with as I don’t ask for help easily (but that’s for another post).  In the end, I think I had to admit that I was a different person since having my children and that’s ok, but what wasn’t ok was how hard I was on myself and what little opinion I had of myself – that had to change!

So, I made a big change, Ieft the business I was working on with my partner and thought about what I wanted to do.  This was a huge step in itself as I honestly couldn’t remember putting myself first in anything!  Even the businesses I was previously working on were really my partners and I worked on them because I could be super flexible around the children.  I decided Iwanted to get back to my passion, marketing, but as time has moved on and we are now in more of a digital world I trained with the Digital Mums in social media management.  I now work in social media and if I’m honest I still fight my insecurities of ‘not being good enough’ everyday.  I know that I am currently at risk of jeopardising my own success and the silly part is I know I can achieve what I set out to, I’m just trying to make myself believe it!

I have a long list of goals and aspirations and plan to list them on the blog and write about how I am going to achieve them so that you guys can hold me accountable.  I was nervous about writing this post but if I’m honest it has been therapeutic and the more blog posts I write about my industry (the industry I love and am pretty good at) the more I’m hoping I’ll believe in my own ability.  I also wanted to let anyone else who is feeling lost and insecure know it’s ok and you are most definitely not alone!

Dear Belle ?

It’s hard to believe that today you turn 3 years old!  It’s an emotional day for me as I feel 3 marks you being a bonafide toddler, you are no longer a baby.

Lately I have been thinking that the phrase “the days are long but the years are short” is so incredibly true.  Personally I hate clichés but that doesn’t take away the fact this is true.  Sometimes I just concentrate on the long days, trying to juggle you, your brother, your daddy, my work and occasionally myself, it can all get a bit much and I find myself wishing the time away.  There always seems to be so much to do.  Of course then I immediately feel guilty because of course I don’t really want time to go quicker, in fact quite the opposite.  If I had my choice you would stay little forever!

I still remember the looking at you when you were born, in complete awe, especially as I wasn’t expecting you to be a girl.  On your Daddy’s side of the family boys are very much the theme so I just expected to have an army of boys.  So when you arrived I was both shocked and thrilled.  From the moment you were born you were so alert, so vocal, not crying, you just liked your voice – something that has continued as you have grown.

We left the hospital and went to Nanny and Grandads so that you could meet your big brother, who I’ll be completely honest took absolutely no notice of you.  His ‘Big Brother’ present, a new fire engine made you slightly more interesting but it wasn’t until about a week later that he realised you were in fact here to stay.

We settled into being a family of four and you slotted straight in.  You were a pretty chilled baby, which was lucky as half the time I was quite frankly ‘winging it’ as a mum of two.  There was a few times I would put you in your bouncy chair and you would simply watch us all rushing around, especially Max.  He was your most favourite person, still is.  I have truly loved watching the bond you and Max have grow.  You adore each other and really are the best of friends.

As I said earlier, you have always been incredibly vocal.  It started with shrieks (you would sit and happily entertain yourself shrieking away) and then came the singing.  I remember you singing before even forming real words.  You would sing yourself to sleep and then we would hear you singing over the monitor first thing in the morning.  You have always been and still are such a happy little girl.

I get told by Nanny and Grandad that you are my double.  Not just in looks, but character and attitude too.  Now if completely honest I’m not sure they always mean this as a compliment but I love it.  You are so confident, cheeky and fearless, qualities I am hoping and praying you hold on to.  You make not just us smile, but everyone you come into contact with, your happiness and enthusiasm for life is truly infectious.

I can’t wait to see what you are going to become, I know you plan to take on the world and I have a sneaky feeling you’ll conquer it.  Nothing gets in your way or stops you and I promise I will always be in your corner cheering you on.  The world had better watch out!

Stay fierce!

All my love always.

Mummy x?x?x